MY FAT DIARY
It’s no secret that I struggle with my weight. I’ve talked about it here and made a video about it here. I’ve talked about it on Instagram, and talked to anyone who I thought would listen. I’ve had endless conversations about it with my husband, my mama and myself (yes I talk to myself) it’s an ongoing issue in my life and something that I think about often. I know that I’m not the only person who loses and gains weight. I know I’m not the only one who thinks about it often. I know that I’m not the only one who has jeans in their closet that range from a size 4 to a size 14. It bothers me almost daily, and like many women it makes me feel better to talk about my feelings. Usually, when I need to vent I talk to my husband and he is always willing to try to fix my problems listen. But as long as I’ve known him he has never been overweight. He’s the type of person who can eat the whole darn cheesecake and never gain a pound. So venting to him is like trying to explain to a man why my period is the worst 3 to 4 days of my life! He just doesn’t get it sis!
So I went on the hunt for a blogger or YouTuber that talked about the ups and downs that are associated with weight loss and weight gain. I searched for a person who mixed fashion and a changing body. I searched high and low for the person who I could relate to, and empathize with. I came up short. I found a lot of body positive bloggers who were happy in their weight and had no intentions of losing weight. Now don’t get me wrong, I love that whole message! Loving yourself at every size is important and I am down with the cause! However, that is not what I’m searching for and I’m coming at weight gain from a different angle. Since I couldn’t find anyone talking about weight, body image, and fashion the way I look at it, I’ve decided to put it all out there and be that person for someone else.
If you’re a person who struggles with their weight, you know how much of a mind game it can be. You know the ups and downs. You know that one week you’re so good on your diet and the other week you think “I’ll start next week.” It’s an ongoing circle of hurt, self-doubt, and overall over mind madness! The absolute stress of not only losing weight but also trying to feel your best is an added pressure. I’m a fashion gal. I’ve always have been. I like playing in cloths and I love studying the art of fashion. So how clothing looks on my body is important to me. I know what I’m about to say isn’t politically correct but guess what? SIZE IS IMPORTANT TO ME. No, I’m not talking about the fat or skinny. I’m talking about the size of my jeans and I know that I’m not the only one.
I’m going to make a conscious choice to briefly write down how I felt every day about my overall weight situation and report back to you all every Monday. My hope is that the person who feels alone out there will find me and I can be their voice. Though I will mention if I gained weight, lost weight, or stayed the same. I want to focus more on how I was feeling that day and what led me to those feelings. I’ve broken it down into four categories. Weight loss (or weight gain), exercise, body image, and eating. To keep me balanced I will have a “fact” and a “ feelings” section to each category because feelings aren’t facts and I need to see the distinction between the two. It’s not Monday but I figure that there is no time like the present to start my FAT DIARY. Below is how I felt this week about my overall weight situation.
WEIGHT LOSS OR WEIGHT GAIN
FACT: I didn’t lose weight or gain this week
FEELINGS: I had some strong feelings about my overall weight. I came across the picture above from a few years’ back and I gasped! I thought, “Look how skinny I was” and I instantly became sad. I emailed myself the picture and now it’s my motivation picture. I added a little note to the pic that read “Look how healthy you were, you can do this again, and your tan in this pic was epic!” Since then I’ve been gazing at the picture every day! Last week I felt frustrated and a little defeated, but hopeful.
FACT: Fail! My husband and I said that we would get up every morning and go to the gym before work. We got protein and healthy food and prepared for our epic workout week. We’ve slept in every day so far.
FEELINGS: I’m feeling a little annoyed with myself. If I want something so bad why can’t I get up and work out? Do I want it that bad?
FACT: Last week my husband said I was beautiful, several guys asked for my number, and the older lady on the subway platform showered me with compliments about my outfit on Tuesday. (To clarify the way I feel about my body has nothing to do with how others view it…but it does feel good to get compliments)
FEELINGS: I stripped down naked and looked in my full-length mirror. I cried. I rubbed my belly and pretended I was Santa. I Laughed. I put my clothes back on.
FACT: I ate pretty healthy…except for that slice of cheesecake from Little Cupcake Shop.
FEELINGS: The cheesecake was so good it was worth it.
How’d you feel about yourself this week?
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